Jokes

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Jokes

Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:32 pm

Anyone have any funny jokes? Could go for a laugh or two on this rainy day... :)
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:33 pm

One day a man died and found himself in Hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said. "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, Wine, Vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The man was astounded. "Well, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke them all day."
"Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!"
"Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Like_Water » Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:52 pm

Nice one. That's going out on an email journey.
If it kills, I got news, it ain't a side effect
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Postby ghstinshll » Thu Apr 26, 2007 12:59 pm

OMFG!!!! d00d!~
##39027
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Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:24 pm

A Children's Book You Will Never See

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Where's Godot?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
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Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:28 pm

Monkey and the cue-ball.

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. The man orders a drink while his monkey runs wild. The monkey jumps up onto the pool table picks up the cue-ball and swallows it whole. The bartender sees this and says to the monkey's owner, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?!" The man replyes, "No what did he do?" The bartender says "Your monkey just ate my cue-ball whole!!!!" The man replyes "Yeah he'll do that, he likes to eat everything he sees. Just put the extra charge onto my bill."

2 weeks later the man and the monkey return to the bar. The man orders a drink while the monkey runs wild again. The monkey runs over to a ladys drink, pulls the cherry out of her glass and sticks it up his ass then eats it. The bartender sees this and says to the monkey's owner. "Did you see what your monkey just did!?!" The man replys, "No, what did he do this time? The bartender says "YOUR monkey just took that poor ladys cherry out of her cup, shoved it up his ass then ate it!!!" The man replys "Yeah, he still likes to eat everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue-ball he has to measure everything first".
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:30 pm

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "No, get the hell out of here!!"

The duck leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck comes back into the bar and says "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "I told you no, if you ask me again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!!"

The duck leaves.

Ten minutes later the duck comes back into the bar and says "Got any nails?"

The bartender looks at the duck and says "Uh, no??"

The duck says "Good, got any grapes."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:31 pm

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:36 pm

Girlfriend 4.0

Dear Technical Support:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw module which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Any Ideas???
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Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 1:39 pm

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky.
Walking on the moon ...


When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed outside his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon"

True story.
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Postby Cydisc » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:03 pm

What is the speed limit for sex?

68... because when you hit 69 you have to turn around
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:11 pm

68
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby irban » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:24 pm

Billy comes home from school, stomps into the living room and starts playing with his toy train. He runs it around once, stops in front of the depot and says 'Anyone gettin' on, get the hell on, anyone gettin' off, get the hell off!'

His mother comes in from the kitchen and says 'Billy, we don't use that kind of language in this house. Go up to your room for half and hour and think about it.' Billy stomps up to his room.

Later, Billy comes back and starts playing with his train again. He runs it around once, stops in front of the depot and says 'Anyone gettin' on, get the hell on, anyone gettin' off, get the hell off, you got a problem with the half hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!'
~~~- ¥
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Postby jack » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:37 pm

Kelly B wrote:A Children's Book You Will Never See

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"


This one is Melo's favorite. Other good ones include "Kevin Is the Wrong Color to be Your Friend" and "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry."
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Postby Kelly K » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:38 pm

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of
other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I
love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem
further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room
full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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