Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby rightcunnin » Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:17 pm

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.

"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"

I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started....
I'm sorry that the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours.
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Postby Grimm » Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:06 pm

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"
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Postby Grimm » Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:37 pm

Greco, this one is for you.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
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Postby Grimm » Tue Nov 30, 2010 6:24 pm

Everyone that has been in a Walmart has seen and wants to say this.

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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Postby The Donator » Wed Dec 01, 2010 4:21 am

yessssssssssssss :lol: :lol:
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
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Postby Grimm » Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:29 pm

A young boy asks his mom why brides wear white.
Mom replies it is to show they are pure. Boy is still confused and mom his getting flustered for a decent answer.
Mom tells boy to go ask his dad why brides wear white.

Young boy, "Dad, why do brides wear white?"

Dad, "Son, it's because all appliances come in white."
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Postby Abe Froman » Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:06 pm

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little nine year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.


Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"


Little boy: "What the f*ck do you think?"
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Postby CalebP » Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:49 am

A preacher, and a rabbi are making conversation at a hotel bar... the preacher goes on about his first love making experiences before his vow of celibacy. He just cant remember it.

The rabbi says "Okay....say im holding a blonde, a brunette and redhead in my hand here, pick up one and imagine shes kissing you, does that feel like the last time you made love?" "No" the preacher says. Rabbi says "okay try the brunette" Preacher says "hmmm, no not at all". Rabbi places the imaginary redhead in the preachers hand and the preacher says "NO way! i was never into readheads" with his eyes closed.

The Rabbi tells him, "Alright take them all in both your hands, and shake them up as hard as you can...... does that feel that the last time you made love?"

The preacher sighs, and starts crying...

They both take a shot of whiskey and the
Rabbi says " Dont feel bad the last time I was inside of a woman it was the statue of liberty"
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Postby Grimm » Mon Apr 25, 2011 11:38 pm

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Uhm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
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Postby Carter45145 » Thu Jun 09, 2011 2:11 pm

Ted buys a Harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "Okay", he says. They sit down and no one says a word. As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll DO the FVCKIN' dishes!"
Can't criticize our smile...
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Postby Grimm » Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:30 am

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
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Postby Grimm » Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:37 am

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me up."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.

Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his drunken stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Postby rightcunnin » Sun Sep 18, 2011 7:44 pm

NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE ......

A doctor at an insane asylum
Decided to take his patients
To a baseball game..

For weeks in advance,
He coached his patients
To respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived.

Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started,
The doctor yelled, "Up Nuts",

And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem,
He yelled, "Down Nuts",
And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit,
The doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call Against the star of the home team, The Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts"
And they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response,
The doctor decided to go get a beer
And a hot dog,
Leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned,
There was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant,
The doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied,
"Well everything was going just fine
Until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS" ! ! !
I'm sorry that the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours.
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Postby puppetmaster » Sun Sep 18, 2011 10:19 pm

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.







Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
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Postby Abe Froman » Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:52 am

not sure where to put this but...

What a wonderful coming together of two diverse groups! We need more gatherings where the activists are given warm, moist, aromatic welcomes like this one.This is why PETA usually protests women wearing fur rather than bikers wearing leather. Sounds to me like the old saying, "you mess with the bull, and you get the horns". Gee, I guess these characters thought that Bikers where going to be politically correct like the rest of the wimpy world.

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong,"said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it. ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous,"said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activist's meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake,"assured the organizer.
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