Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby Abe Froman » Thu May 03, 2007 12:58 pm

irban wrote:a little balance...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton, Canada Month, June 1963

pfft. relax. remember it's a joke.
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Postby irban » Thu May 03, 2007 1:42 pm

projectpuffindiscman wrote:
irban wrote:a little balance...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton, Canada Month, June 1963

pfft. relax. remember it's a joke.
~~~- ¥
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu May 03, 2007 1:51 pm

pffft.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Kelly K » Thu May 03, 2007 1:57 pm

Image
can we get back on topic please?
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:06 pm

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby GDL17921 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:06 pm

damn you, I knew that one.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:07 pm

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom partment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:08 pm

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down .. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a
real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby GDL17921 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:10 pm

that's a good one. :lol:
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:11 pm

A Pirate walks into a bar, The bartender looks at him and say's hey buddy you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants The Pirate replies, Yarrggh it's driving me nut's!
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby sorearm » Thu May 03, 2007 2:17 pm

An old man is pushing his shopping cart around Home Depot when he slams into a young mans cart.

The old man says he's sorry.He was not paying attention because he was looking for his wife.

The young guy says he has also lost his wife and was distracted why he looked for her.

The old man says this is a huge place we should help each other out and look for them together.

The young man agrees.

The old man asks what the young mans wife looks like and he replies;
She is blond,5'11"tall,has really long legs,a huge rack :P ,is wearing short shorts,and a white halter top.

The young man asks what the old mans wife looks like and he replies" Forget about her lets look for yours."
________
E12
Last edited by sorearm on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Mount » Thu May 03, 2007 2:33 pm

what's red and white and crawls up your leg?
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Postby Mount » Thu May 03, 2007 2:34 pm

a homesick abortion :oops: :wink:
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Postby GDL17921 » Thu May 03, 2007 2:45 pm

you gonna jump on here after not posting for a few months and that's the best you got? :lol:
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Postby puppetmaster » Thu May 03, 2007 9:32 pm

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Scotch?"

"No," said the little boy............ "It's a puppy!"
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
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