Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby irban » Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:21 am

Somebody ripped off her 710 and replaced it with a 01L.
~~~- ¥
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Postby Cydisc » Mon Apr 30, 2007 11:15 am

A blonde was helping her husband put up some shelves. Husband asks her to get a phillips screwdriver from the toolbox. She replies that they all say "Stanley".

True story.
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Postby Joe Cool » Mon Apr 30, 2007 1:02 pm

How did the Sheppard find the sheep in the long grass?


Very satisfying
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Mon Apr 30, 2007 1:18 pm

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this Chucking sweater!"
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Mon Apr 30, 2007 2:05 pm

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby dx pete » Mon Apr 30, 2007 7:38 pm

my favorite St. Paddy's Day joke:

Why don't you break into a leprechaun's house?

because he'll f*ck you up!


and yes I made it up, and yes everyone laughs. hysterically.
opulence, I has it.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Wed May 02, 2007 11:48 am

Image
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Kelly K » Wed May 02, 2007 2:32 pm

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your
destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"


"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, " We No Longer Call It
The Cock Pit."
"It's The Box Office."
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Postby Abe Froman » Wed May 02, 2007 10:25 pm

chik joke
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Postby Abe Froman » Wed May 02, 2007 10:26 pm

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?




give that bitch a shovel!
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Postby Kelly K » Thu May 03, 2007 9:47 am

projectpuffindiscman wrote:chik joke


waaaa :cry:
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Postby Abe Froman » Thu May 03, 2007 9:51 am

how do you turn a fox into an elephant?







marry her! :lol:
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Postby irban » Thu May 03, 2007 11:12 am

a little balance...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton, Canada Month, June 1963
~~~- ¥
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Postby Kelly K » Thu May 03, 2007 11:17 am

Seminars for Men and Women

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game - A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self-Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels.
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Jerk, or Victimized Sensitive Man?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Darn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "dude" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
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Postby sorearm » Thu May 03, 2007 11:51 am

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing he
realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees

directly in his way.

Unable to stop his swing he nails it and hits her directly in
the temple and kills her instantly.

A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner
regarding her autopsy.


Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt
force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and

hit her in the temple, is that correct?"


Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"


Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her
butt"


Joe: "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"


Coroner: "Yes, it was"


Joe: "That was my mulligan"
________
vaporizer volcano
Last edited by sorearm on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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