Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby Kruck » Wed Sep 10, 2008 2:49 pm

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?





15:


1 to hold the light bulb


14 to drink whiskey until the room spins.
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Postby GaW27166 » Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:05 pm

Two Iowa boys are playing football when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.



A Des Moines Register reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Hawkeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Hawkeye fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in Iowa I just assumed you were,"says the reporter, and he starts again. "UNI Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he jots in his notebook. "I'm not an UNI fan either," the boy responds. "I assumed everyone in the state of Iowa was either for the Hawkeyes or for UNI. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Iowa State fan." the boy says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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Postby GaW27166 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:25 am

Unprecedented Child Custody Ruling

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama today when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Iowa State Cyclones,
whom the judge firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Postby GaW27166 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:33 am

A kindergarten teacher explains to her class that she is an Iowa State Cyclone. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cyclones too.
No one really knows what a Cyclone is, but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a Cyclone.”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why, I’m a proud Iowa Hawkeye,” boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Hawkeye.

“Well, my mom and dad are Hawkeyes, so I’m a Hawkeye too.”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

“Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be a Cyclone.”
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Postby GaW27166 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:35 am

Q: How does and Iow State fan count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, etc.

Q: What do you call a crime ring in Iowa CIty?
A: A Huddle

Q: Where was O.J. Simpson going in his white bronco?
A: Ames, he knew the police would never find a Heisman winner there.

Q: How many Iowa State fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 - One to screw it in, the other to tell you how good Seneca Wallace was.
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Postby GDL17921 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:39 am

you done? I'll balance things out here a bit.

An Iowa fan, a ISU fan and a UNI fan are leaving a party when they spot a co-ed passed out naked in the yard. Being gentlemen, the ISU fan covers the right breast with his hat, the UNI fan covers the left breast with his hat, and the Iowa fan begrudgingly covers the crotch with his hat. They proceed to call the cops.

The cop shows up, lifts up the ISU hat and writes a few notes down and puts the hat back where it was. The cop lifts up the UNI hat and writes a few notes down and puts the hat back where it was. He then lifts up the Iowa hat, writes a few notes down and gets a confused look on his face. He lifts up the Iowa hat and jots down some more notes. This happens a few more times, so the ISU fan asks the cop, "What's the matter are you some kind of pervert?"

The cop replies, "No, I'm just a little confused. Every other time I've seen an Iowa hat, there's been an a$$hole underneath it."
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Postby GDL17921 » Thu Sep 11, 2008 11:48 am

A Hawkeye fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, "How can I help you?" The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Iowa's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of Iowa campus?

A: The officials had to check ID's before letting any of the Hawkeye cheerleaders back on board.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man enters a bar & orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The
robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail & then asks him, “What’s
your IQ?”

The man replies “162″ & the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics & spirituality, biochemistry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology & sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed & thinks, “This is really cool.” He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around & comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink & asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responds, “about a 100.”

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns & women’s body
parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar & decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out & returns; the robot serves him & asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies, “Er, 50, I think.” The robot says… real slowly, “So.. how.. bout.. them.. Hawkeyes?”

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Hawkeye fan and a puppy?

Eventually, the puppy will quit whining!

---------------------------------------------------------

Three guys, a Hawkeye Fan, a UNI fan and an Iowa State fan are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give each of you one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie. The UNI fan says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa.” With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.

The Hawkeye fan was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Iowa CIty, so that no Cyclones, Panthers or Northwestern Wildcats can come into our precious city.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ there was a huge wall around Iowa City.

The Cyclone Fan (a civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds Iowa City; nothing can get in or out — virtually impenetrable.”

The Cyclone fan says, “Fill it with water.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a good Iowa joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am an Iowa grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 225, and he's an Iowa grad. And the fella next to him is 6' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's an Iowa grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out in Oakland they have an real-life Iowa joke. His name is Robert Gallery.

Q: How many University of Iowa freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.


Q. What did the Iowa graduate say to the Iowa State graduate?

A. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"

It was reported that Iowa head football coach Kirk Ferentz will only be dressing twenty players for the Iowa State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Iowa grad, an Iowa State grad, a Florida grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They argued all the way up the mountain, and when they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Florida grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Gators!" Seeing this, the Iowa State grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Cyclones!" and pushed the Hawkeyes fan off the side of the mountain.
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Postby The Donator » Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:37 pm

Those are standard college football --insert the team you hate here-- jokes :roll: :lol:
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
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Postby 10up » Thu Sep 11, 2008 2:38 pm

What do you call 52 guys, at a party, watching the Superbowl on TV?


The Kansas City Chiefs


durrrrrrrr :wink:
you're not the girl you think you are
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Postby chappyfade » Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:07 am

10up wrote:What do you call 52 guys, at a party, watching the Superbowl on TV?


The Kansas City Chiefs


durrrrrrrr :wink:


Other acceptable answers would be the Chicago Bears, the Green Bay Packers, and the Minnesota Vikings.

Q: What is a Longhorn birth certificate?
A: A letter of apology from the Trojan condom company.

Q: What do you call 1000 Longhorns at the bottom of the Brazos River?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a Longhorn and a catfish?
A: One's a scumsucking bottom-dweller, and the other is just a fish.

An t.u fan and an Aggie fan were both in the Cotton Bowl restroom...after getting through w/ their business...the t.u. fan washed his hands and the Aggie fan didnt. the t.u. fan couldn't help but notice and said....yea over in Austin...they teach us to wash our hands....the Aggie fan said...yea well in College Station...they teach us not to pee on our hands....and with that, he walked out.


Chap
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Postby Kelly K » Fri Sep 12, 2008 9:23 am

A little old lady was walking down the Melrose street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every
once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this,
a University Heights policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there
are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back,
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next
to the Kinnick stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of tail-gating
fans come
and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I
thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand
behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise
him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' '

'Well, that seems only fair, ' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
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Postby Skitzo » Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:51 pm

A man walking into a casino is confronted by another man who asks to have some money to help with his wife’s surgery. The man asks him, how do I know you’re not going to gamble away the money? The gentleman says. Well, I have gambling money.

I heard this on BOB and TOM this morning.

HAHAHAHAHA
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Postby 10up » Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:53 pm

ITT: Nothing funny
you're not the girl you think you are
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Postby 10up » Mon Sep 15, 2008 12:25 am

not a joke, but it's funny.


Image
you're not the girl you think you are
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Postby 10up » Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:16 am

:wink:

gratuitous emoticon
you're not the girl you think you are
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