Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby puppetmaster » Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:36 pm

Bottle of wine
>
>
>
>
>
> A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
> snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
> their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
> them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
>
>
>
>
>
> After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling
> about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're
> a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
> look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
> unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be
> friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".
>
> Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree
> completely, this must be a sign from God!" But
> you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed
> to drive.
>
> The woman continues, "And look at this, here's
> another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
> bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
> drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
> She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
> agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
> hands it back to the woman.
>
> The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands
> it back to the man.
>
>
>
>
>
> The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
> The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait
> for the police...."
>
>
>
>
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY :
>
>
> Women are clever, evil bitches.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
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Postby dx pete » Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:38 pm

http://www.2dorks.com/gallery/2008/0627 ... ndex.shtml

funny stuff. the first ones for you, Irban.
opulence, I has it.
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Postby chappyfade » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:07 am

Another kittah picture for Kelly

Image
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Postby MDR_3000 » Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:59 am

dx pete wrote:http://www.2dorks.com/gallery/2008/0627-demotivational/index.shtml

funny stuff. the first ones for you, Irban.


http://www.guzer.com/photo/motivation-spoof.php

here's some more.

http://riotvillage.blogspot.com/search/ ... %20Posters

and some more.
Last edited by MDR_3000 on Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:28 am, edited 2 times in total.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Kelly K » Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:10 am

chappyfade wrote:Another kittah picture for Kelly

Image


LOVE IT!!!
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Postby puppetmaster » Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:23 pm

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts ch asing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up wi th the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but inst ead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of t his story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
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Postby Kelly K » Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:51 am

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'
McCain replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'
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Postby Single L » Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:37 am

Shouldn't that joke be flipped :?
"I'm not impressed with aces of any kind. 95% of the time, they're just bad shots that got lucky and happened to hit the chains. Otherwise, they'd have sailed 50' past the hole." ~ Cydisc
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Postby SARG27044 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:43 am

porkchop wrote:Shouldn't that joke be flipped :?
id do mcains wife
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Postby Skitzo » Tue Sep 09, 2008 11:46 am

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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Postby 10up » Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:17 pm

Image
you're not the girl you think you are
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Postby The Donator » Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:31 pm

I think my avatar is pretty funny.
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
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Postby The Donator » Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:32 pm

Image
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
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Postby 10up » Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:34 pm

The Donator wrote:I think my avatar is pretty funny.


I think your avatar is pretty "dudes wearing speedos".
you're not the girl you think you are
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Postby The Donator » Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:25 pm

Really...i didnt see any!
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
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