Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby AO » Wed May 14, 2008 1:49 pm

AO
 
Posts: 4299
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 11:06 pm
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA

Postby MDR_3000 » Wed May 14, 2008 1:50 pm

I take it, that's the Bill Hicks rant?
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
User avatar
MDR_3000
 
Posts: 2969
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 5:09 pm
Location: Straight outta NoCash.

Postby AO » Wed May 14, 2008 1:53 pm

Yep. Funny man. Bring those stand up CD's this weekend.
AO
 
Posts: 4299
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2006 11:06 pm
Location: Cedar Rapids, IA

Postby puppetmaster » Thu May 15, 2008 12:23 pm

> A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
> course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,
> he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
> He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
> asked her if
> she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied,
> 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
> He thanked her and went back to his golf.
> On the back nine, the same thing happened and he
> approached her
> again with the same request.
> 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole
> behind, so you must
> be on the 13th hole.'
> Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse
> where he saw the
> same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he
> knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played
> the course often.
> He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a
> drink in
> appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
> profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
> 'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she
> replied.
> 'No, I won't.'
> 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work
> for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he
> lost his balance and fell off
> the bar stool.
> 'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
> 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied,
> 'I'm a salesman
> for
> Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby z-man » Thu May 15, 2008 2:45 pm

Did anybody hear about the fire at the circus this past weekend??


It was intense...
I want to get a vending machine with fun sized candy bars...and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
-Mitch Hedberg
~namaste~
User avatar
z-man
 
Posts: 1481
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:48 pm
Location: Anywhere and everywhere

Last night when I got home............

Postby puppetmaster » Thu May 15, 2008 6:48 pm

I walked in the house and my wife informed me I was taking her someplace expensive.


I took her to the gas station.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Sun May 18, 2008 9:30 pm

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding
> anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief
> account of the benefits of a marriage of such long
> duration.
> 'Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from
> all those wonderful years with your wife?'
> Tom responded, 'Well, I've learned that marriage is
> the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
> forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a
> great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if
> you'd stayed single.'
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Sun May 18, 2008 9:31 pm

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
> Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
> A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass
> all the way to Egypt.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Sun May 18, 2008 9:32 pm

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
>
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Mon May 19, 2008 9:43 am

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.



Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was

washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on

the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough

there was a small, recognizable movement.



They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As

crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and

bring her out of the coma.'



The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the

curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his

wife's room.



After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart

rate, 'code blue' alarm.



The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?'



'I'm not sure', said the husband, 'maybe she choked'.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Tue May 27, 2008 4:21 pm

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
> know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
> the definition for each is listed below...
>
>
> GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
> met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you
> still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
>
>
> BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
> of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
> the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
> speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in
> de! ath.
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby puppetmaster » Tue May 27, 2008 4:23 pm

People were in their pews talking at church when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.



Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.



*So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'*The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man..



*'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.*



*'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply..



*'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. * 'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?'

*The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.*
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
User avatar
puppetmaster
 
Posts: 624
Joined: Fri Jan 19, 2007 9:09 pm
Location: Norwalk, Ia

Postby Clue » Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:32 am

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?



Because she was a woman.
Clue
 
Posts: 4398
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2006 10:03 pm
Location: Des Moines

Postby chirogirl » Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:57 am

A man arrives at the emergency room after receiving a call regarding his wife. A doctor comes up to meet him, explaining the situation.
The doctor tells the man:

Your wife has been in a horrible accident. She will never be able to walk again. In fact, she has completely lost the ability to use her arms or legs. She will need help eating, bathing, and going to the bathroom. You will have to assist her with all of these things for her for the rest of her life. You will have to be there for her night and day."

The man was distraught. He began to weep uncontrollably.

"Doctor, is this true? There is nothing left that you can do?"

The doctor replied, "relax, Dr. Suess. She's dead."
chirogirl
 
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu May 15, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Davenport, IA

Postby Kelly K » Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:28 pm

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"
User avatar
Kelly K
 
Posts: 455
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:02 am
Location: Coralville

PreviousNext

Return to Stuff

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests