Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:17 pm

Mark Hoffman was sent to prison and placed in a cell with a huge, burly guy. When lights-out occurred, the big guy got out of his bunk and said to Hoffman,

"We're going to have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"

A very terrified Hoffman replied,

"Uh, well, I guess I'll be the Daddy."

Then the burley guy said,

"OK then, get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:23 pm

Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.

On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus agaiin puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves the ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really don't think we can make it over the water from here. If you shoot from back here again and your ball goes in the water, I'm not going to get it."

Jesus again explains to Moses, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus again puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses looks at Jesus and stands at the tee, with no intention of retrieving Jesus' ball. Jesus figures he'll have to retrieve his own ball, so he walks down the fairway to the water hazard, and proceeds to walk on the water out to the point where his ball fell in.

Moses is still back at the tee when a foursome comes through and sees Jesus walking on water. "Holy mackerel!", one of them says, "Does that guy think he's Jesus?"

"No", Moses answers, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby 10up » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:29 pm

Golf Jokes, alright then.

So these two guys are about to Tee off on #9. Right as Bob is about to take his shot they see a funeral procession start to roll by outside the gates. Bob stops mid swing, takes a step back, removes his hat, and places it over his heart with bowed head until the procession passes. Bill looks on this with admiration, and when all is complete he says "man Bob, I've got to tell you, that has got to be the most humble thing I've ever seen a man do on a golf course." Bob hits his shot, steps back and says to Bill "well, it's really the least I could do, she gave me the best 25 years of her life."
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Postby irban » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:32 pm

3 plastic surgeons were bragging up their skills at a convention.

'I had a guy come in from a car accident with his right leg shredded from the hip down. After numerous reconstructive surgeries, he is now an Olympic champion runner.'

The second one replied,'That's nothing. I had a woman come in who's hands were bitten off by a shark. I dissected the shark, re-attached the hands, and now she's a world class pianist.'

The third smirked and said, 'Well I once operated on a texan who, drunk and high on coke, rode his horse head on into a semi going 60 mph. All I had to work with was a horses ass and a cowboy hat, and now he's president of the united states.
~~~- ¥
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Postby 10up » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:41 pm

Al is about to finish what could be the best round of his life and give him the win of the country club tourny. As he steps up to 18, a long par 5, he tees up and gives it everything he's got. Crushes the ball almost straight right behind the clubhouse. As he examines his lie he finds the clubhouse directly between the pin and his current position, no way over, no way around... but as he stands there someone walk out the back door and he see's through it, another door directly across through which he see's he has a perfect line to the pin. So he ambles over, props both the doors and returns to his ball. He focuses all his energy on this one shot and hits a perfect, low, burner that goes right through the first door... just as his wife is walking between the two. The ball strikes her on the head and she dies immediately...

Years later, Al is sitting, half-drunk at the clubhouse bar in the throes of his depression. As he sits there he observes out the window, a young man slice his ball right behind the clubhouse as he once did. As he watches he see's the young man walk up to the first door and prop it, walk through and prop the second. Before he's able to go back to his lie Al runs over and says, young man, I know what you're thinking, trust me, I've tried it myself, it just isn't a good idea, I had this exact same shot 2 years ago, and I bogied the f'n hole...

or something like that... I didn't tell it right,.
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Postby Abe Froman » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:00 pm

10up wrote:or something like that... I didn't tell it right,.

but you hit enter anyway... :roll:
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Postby Buzzznation » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:19 pm

10up wrote:or something like that... I didn't tell it right,.


I think we need to move this to the "crap that people post that bug Dan" forum. :lol:
NO!......Welp!?
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Postby 10up » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:20 pm

That's only for when I'm in a bad mood, it's Friday, lighten up... jesus.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 1:24 pm

Speaking of Jesus...


What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?







It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby Jarrod32195 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:07 pm

About Bob....





Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says,"Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before."Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?""I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam he door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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Postby Jarrod32195 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:13 pm

Subject: Larry and Bob

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only

had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one

too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry

sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty

bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too
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More Children's Books

Postby peyton » Fri Apr 27, 2007 7:27 pm

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
Dad's New Wife Robert
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Tricks
Things Rich Kids Will Have But You Never Will
Your Nightmares Are Real


Doug's Librarian-to-Be Wife
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Postby irban » Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:57 pm

irban wrote:
Kelly B wrote:Girlfriend 4.0

Still running girlfriend 3.1 upgraded to wife 95. None of the new games run on my system.

Course I could get a 2nd system, just for gaming. Maybe a Straystation or a Weee. But what I'd end up with is an Exbox 360 and so much alimony and child support, I couldn't afford games anyway.
~~~- ¥
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Postby sorearm » Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:14 pm

irban wrote:
irban wrote:
Kelly B wrote:Girlfriend 4.0

Still running girlfriend 3.1 upgraded to wife 95. None of the new games run on my system.

Course I could get a 2nd system, just for gaming. Maybe a Straystation or a Weee.
But what I'd end up with is an Exbox 360 and so much alimony and child support, I couldn't afford games anyway.


Most Exbox360's have alimony & child support pre loaded :shock:
________
Yamaha TDM850
Last edited by sorearm on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby GDL17921 » Mon Apr 30, 2007 9:59 am

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrot e 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is Click here
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