Jokes

General topics - anything goes within reason, keep it civil.

Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:40 pm

An old guy was due to celebrate his 100th birthday and his family didn’t know what to get him - he had everything. So they decided to hire a strip-o-gram . One the morning of his birthday the front door bell rings and when the birthday-boy opens the door he is confronted by this gorgeous brunette wearing only black gloved and thigh length boots. She spread her arms and legs wide apart and said in a very high class voice "Happy Birthday, I’m here to give you super sex".
The old man looked a bit confused for a secon an then asked "what kind of soup is it?"
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby irban » Thu Apr 26, 2007 2:58 pm

A woman came home from work and asked her husband about the day.

'The cat died'

'Oh my god!' she exclaimed, clutching her chest. 'You shouldn't just blurt it out like that! You should prepare me for the shock by saying something like "the cat climbed out onto the roof, and was trying to get down, and I'm sorry to say, it fell." 'Ok, anything else happen today?'

'Well...Your mother climbed out onto the roof...'
~~~- ¥
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Postby Abe Froman » Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:40 pm

a man is walking thru the airpotrt just muttering to himself in disgust. he sits down next to another man in the terminal. the second man asked "what are so worked up about". the first man replies," i was standing in line to get my tickets and the lady behind the counter had the biggest tits i had ever seen. i couldn't stop staring at them, so after 15 mins it came my turn and what i meant to say was "i need a ticket to pittsburgh" and what came out was" i need a picket to tittsburgh". i was so embarassed i couldn't believe it. after listening to the story the second man replied.. thats nothing man don't worry about it. just the other day i asked my wife to grab the newspaper for me and what came out was "you fukin bitch, you ruined my life" :lol:
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Postby MDR_3000 » Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:58 pm

Chicago Cubs.
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Anniverary Gift

Postby sorearm » Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:48 pm

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she
looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.
________
vaporizer affiliates
Last edited by sorearm on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby sorearm » Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:00 pm

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
> little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that
> makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a
> child the gift of our time...
>
> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One
> day a construction crew turned up to start building a
> house on the empty lot.
>
> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
> in all the activity going on next door and spent much of
> each day observing the workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
> more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
>
> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
> and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
> and there to make her feel important.
>
> At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
> envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took
> this home to her mother who s aid all the appropriate words of
> admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"
> she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
> account.
>
> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
> asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
> paycheck at such a young age.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
> building the house next door to us."
>
> My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
> the house again this week, too?"
>
> The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot
> ever deliver the Chucking Dry Wall..."
>
>
> Kind of brings a tear to the eye. . .
________
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Last edited by sorearm on Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby irban » Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:32 am

Good thread. I needed some new material. I told that talking dog joke 4 times last night.
~~~- ¥
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Postby irban » Fri Apr 27, 2007 10:38 am

Kelly B wrote:Girlfriend 4.0

Still running girlfriend 3.1 upgraded to wife 95. None of the new games run on my system.
~~~- ¥
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Postby tjdub26936 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 11:27 am

Last month I was in Cleveland on business and went to a downtown restaurant for lunch. I was immediately seated at the only open table, and as I put my napkin on my lap, I knocked my spoon onto the floor. As I bent down to pick it up, a waiter appeared out of nowhere with a new, clean spoon.

I said, "Whoa, where'd you come from? How did you get me a clean spoon so fast?"

"Well," the waiter said, "a few months ago we had an efficiency expert here to evaluate our restaurant. He determined that 22% of our customers drop their spoon at one point during their meal, so instead of taking the time to go back to the kitchen for a clean one, all the wait staff now carry an extra spoon with them at all times."

"Wow, that seems a little extreme!"

"You'd be surprised at how much time it saves. That change, along with a few others this efficiency expert implemented, has made things around here run a lot smoother."

I proceeded to order my lunch. About the time he was serving my soup, I noticed he had a short piece of string sticking out of the fly in his pants. I was hesitant to say anything, but finally asked him about it at the end of the meal when he brought me my check.

"Oh, that's anther change that the efficiency expert made. He determined that the wait staff was spending a lot of time washing their hands. So now all the male wait staff tie a string to their penis, so when they go to the bathroom, they just pull the string, go, and can go right back to work because they didn't touch anything to get their hands dirty."

"Not that's definitely extreme. Hold on, how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I ususally just use the spoon."
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Postby Joe Cool » Fri Apr 27, 2007 11:40 am

What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
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Postby 10up » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:05 pm

Donald Rumsfeld just finished giving his end of the day brief to George W. As he is walking out he stops and says "oh yeah, and by the way sir, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today".

George becomes immediately distraught, head in hands, just freaking out. His whole cabinet is looking on thinking "this is kind of everyday news, why is he taking this so hard?"

Then, he looks up and asks "exactly how many is a frichin Brazillion?"
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Postby 10up » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:09 pm

So this toothless termite walks into a bar and asks "hey! where's the bar tender at?"

(This is better spoken) :wink:
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Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:12 pm

two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. The first sausage says, "Is it getting hot in here to you?"

The second sausage then replies, "Holy shit, a talking sausage!"
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:14 pm

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot. The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and the rope said " I'm a frayed knot"


(Another one that's better spoken)
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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Postby MDR_3000 » Fri Apr 27, 2007 12:15 pm

3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
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