Deadspin gold

Sports related topics.

Deadspin gold

Postby The Donator » Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:09 pm

This is the funniest site i have ever come across. the original link to the story is here but i posted it anyways - http://deadspin.com/5327298/the-one-with-assorted-handsy-photos-and-absurd-complaints


this remind me of my friend names qwerts. about 4 year ago he was married to this lady names henry etta. every thing seem normal in the outside. sure they have they problems (what couple dont) and they have good times too. one time at teh carnival qwerts threw quarter and it land perfectly on a red hole and bigno, he win a car. that night we all drive around until teh sun come up, laughin and talkin about that great throw he make. qwerts have his arm around henry etta teh whole time and they was kissin and smilin and you just knews that it was probly teh greatest time in the history of a world for them. i remember that night so clear because henry etta win that cd by kelly clarpson at the whackmole. we was playing it in the car and every time she sing since you is gone, huerta would burp real loud. it was one of them magic night where everything was perfect.

so a few month later I see qwerts and lets just put it this way, he is devistating. I ask him what is wrong "hey qwerts, you look sad, what is problem." "hey stups, it is henry etta. a few night ago she act all weird and next thing i knews, she is gone like a candle of a wind." So i just pet him on teh head and tell him everything gonna be alright and maybe she just forget somethin somewhere and she go to get it. you never really know what it could be. maybe she just see animals and she following them. who knows.

well, (bloews out) about 4 day later we get an answer. and just thinkin about it make knots on my stomach. qwerts was still sad so me and huerta decide that we gonna take him to teh carnival to cheer him up. huerta even buy that kelly clarks cd and teh way there we play that song over and over and huerta burps everytime...lol. we was really laughin and having great time and for one moments, it like qwerts was smilin and he forget about he problems. mission accomplist.

So we get to teh carnival and we doin all the thing we like to do. we all ride the coaster, me and huerta ride the swingin pirate ship and sit on the ends across from each other and when one of us get as high as we can we make funny face at the other guy. qwerts even go to the quarter toss to try to win another car but they dont let him throw one because he probly is so good at it. finally it is gettin late and qwerts decide he wanna play wackmoles before we go. he saw last time that one of they prizes was a paddle ball and he dog (at teh time) jimmy c had chewed the ball off he old paddle so he needed a new one anyways.

Just as he walk up to the game, he see something that will change he life forever. It is henry etta and she is playin whackmoles with another man. They is playin together and teh other man is behind her and they is holdin that mallet together. They was laughin and havin what look like the time of a life. Qwerts start walking over to them and huerta try to stop him, but I grab huerta arm and say "let'm go". Qwerts go over to them and say "henry etta, what is goin on. I am so sad and i dont knew where you is and now I come here and see you playin whackmoles with another man." I am so sad." It turn out that the other man is names Paul Swish. Some of you may know that he grandfather Josia Swish invent whackmoles and Paul been around that game he whole life. That is why henry etta like him because she favorite game is whackmoles and in teh wackmole world, teh swish name is Royal T.


We start walkin away and then huerta have an idea. "hey swish, how about you and qwerts play one whackmole game. who ever get hi score get henry etta." qwerts stop and he turn around to look over at paul and henry etta and they look at each other and think for a moment. Paul nod and wink at henry etta and he yell back " ok, you on." Wow, my heart start beatin like triples. This is exciting, this is a game that will change life for everyone involve. Me and huerta start rubbin querts shoulders. Huerta pull a towel out of he back pocket and put it around he neck. Qwerts step up to he machine and paul swish step up to his. A huge crowd is now gathered around as news spread of teh whackmole show down where the winner get henry etta. It is qwerts verse Paul swish. And now the game of a lifetime starts.

Teh moles is comin up fast and qwerts is really concentrate, he hittin almost all of them. he is biting his toungue and sweatin, he is tryin he best. I look over at paul swish to see how he doin. I will never forget what I see as long as i live. he is holdin that mallet sideways out in front of him with he hand in teh middle of it and he turning it with only he wrist and he hittin moles with both the top of the mallet and teh bottom of it (teh handle!). He is hittin moles so fast that teh crowd is screaming and applause. He other hand is on his hip and he look like a spanished bullfighter. It is breathtaking! And the worst part is that he is beating qwerts by thousand of points. It almost like he knews which hole that moles is comin out of before the moles do. Finally the game is over and qwerts have 520 points. He look over to see what paul swish score is and he see 340. He jump in the air and scream "I win!! henry etta is mine!" Then huerta tell him that he don't see the 6 in front of the 340. Paul swish actually score 6340 points and simply demolish qwerts. Paul and henry etta hug and kiss and they skip away forever, laughing and hi-fiving to teh crowd. paul was signin autogramphs as well.

That was 4 years ago and now qwerts is married to a real nice lady. He don't like to talk about henry etta and now when we go to teh carnivals, he avoid whackmoles all together (he only do squirt baloons). But he get through it and he a better man for it. we heard a few year ago that paul swish get beat at whackmoles by a chinesed boy and lose henry etta so qwerts take some comfort in that. Last we hear was henry etta live honk kong.

so basically what i sayin is you never know. life is unexpect and just kind of gotta roll in it.

stud+s

p and s while i was typin this huerta leave me voice mail that was just him doin burps...lol
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
User avatar
The Donator
 
Posts: 6304
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:07 pm
Location: West Des Moines, IA

Postby The Donator » Fri Aug 07, 2009 2:18 pm

This is the original one and even funnier -
http://deadspin.com/5226042/the-one-with-competitive-fanny-coughs-and-belichicks-casual-wear
this remind me of my friend names Helen van Biscuits. There is mexicaned resterant in my town that have contest. They say whoever make loudest fanny cough will get a year supply of burrito for free. We have known for years that our friend names Helen just love them burritos so qwerts call her up and tell her about the contest. Helen get real excited but there is one problem. she can't make them fanny coughs loud enough. But one thing she do have is a brains.

So she do alotta research. She go to library and get books about intestines. She try eating different food. She try holdin in choclates for weeks. She try stading in diffrent position when making fanny coughs. There is no stones turned. She even have strategy meeitngs with my freind qwerts after work. Qwwerts suggest that maybe he could build tiny microphone that make it sound real loud but she say no. She is very honets and wouldn't feel good about winnin them burritos like that. She was at the end of a road and almost give up when teh break of a lifetime happen. She watching a tv show about archetecture of buildings and they say that sometime if there the right combonation of curves and openings that sounds can become ampflied and things sound real loud. It say they use these technique in some of the most famous auditorium in all of a world.

That night she try all different things that have curves and opening. She lean her fanny on a wall, teh window, she use kitchen items like a whinsk. But nothing work. As last resort she take her fingers and make opening between middle and next finger just like mr sponk (ecept it is alittle curved). She put her hand like that around the ###### and make a cough. Babooms! It is so loud that it set off 3 car alarms on teh street. But maybe she just get lucky? She try one more time and it is even more loud. She look out a window and there is like 6 animal jsut lookin at her. When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.

So now she is all set. The contest is today at teh retsaraunt and she knows that destiny is in her bowls. She have her technique and pretty soon she gonna eat burrito for free and the world is her oysters. The contest start and the man who own the restaraunt ( it is called la Pringles) take the stage. "Hello to everyones. Today is day of contest and whoever make teh loudest fanny cough win burrito for a year. on behalfs of me and everyone who work at el pringles, welcome and let teh farters begin! Will all contestant please come to stage." It turn out there is only two people in contest. One is Helen van bisquits and the other is some lady names maria pringles (but they say she aint related). Teh owner say "OK, it just you two, who ever is loudest win!"

So Helen go first. She take a few deep breath. She close her eyes so she can really concentrate. Everyone get real quiet (it real packed there). She slowly hold up her hand and seperate her fingers and curve them (an old lady gasp). She turn around slow and take her her fingers and place them around the outside of teh angus. Here we go. She begin and she let out what is probly one of teh loudest noise ever to come out of a body including screams. It sound like part boat horn and part nucleared esplosion. It is breathtaking and it last for almost 20 seconds. When it is done there is total silence esept for one old man who lookin around and pointing to his ears and tellin everyone he think he is now deaf, but people is pretty much ignore him. Eventually helen turn around and one person start clappin, then a few more and soon it is become a standing ovation. "Borava!" one lady scream. another little girl go to teh stage and give helen a bouquet of flower. Helen is touched and a tear come out. Even Maria pringles look impressed. What can she do ecept to tip her hat to one hell of a fanny cough.

So teh claps die down (ecept for that old deaf man but he wife tell him to calm down and they will hearing aid later). So now it is maria turn. Everyone get quiet again and give maria they attention. Maria look around, she bite down real hard and skin on her nose scrunch. She start counting..."one....two....THREE!" She let out her cough and it sound like snores, but it get a little louder and a little louder and then suddenly there is a second noise that going with it and then ....BOOM teh window esplode! People is so confused. Where did that second part of teh cough come from and how did them windows broke? How does she do that? Teh owner of La Pringle take the microphone "We have a winner! It is maria pringles! Her farts is so loud they break them windows and is sound almost like simons and Garf's uncle when it come out. Congratulation to maria and enjoy you burritos!" Maria start jumping up and down and I look at Helen von bicuits and she is devistating. Even people who watching really don't know what happen. They know that helen probably was louder but Maria broke them windows. So if Helen don't break teh windows and maria do, maria must have been louder.

Helen walk down teh stage and she is very upset. She come to us and say that she try her best and we agree. Qwerts say that he was so impressed by what she do and say he now really attracted to her because she is so talent. We agree it best to go home but Helen want to go say thank you to teh owner before she leave. She have so much class that even though she lose she gonna say thank you. Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all.

So she look around for him and cant find him. She check everywhere and then finally she look through teh door into the kitchen. That is when she see something that change she life forever. She see teh a whole bunch of people dancing around and singing. She see teh owner, he family and Maria pringle is there too. They is throwing people around on chairs like it is jewished wedding. They is all singing and laughing. She hear teh owner say that he so proud of maria pringles and that Maria is a long lost cousin and they rig teh conest so Maria would get them free burritos. It turn out that there were two little boys that threw rocks at teh windows (he give them free taco) when Maria was makin her coughs and teh second, higher pitch noise when Maria was makin her cough was actually teh owner blowing into a special ring he was wearin that make whistles. He time everything just right and with the harmony and teh glass breaking everyone get tricked into believing that Maria was making it all happen but it was all mirage.

Helen is now so mad she burst through the door into the kitchen and everybody who was dancing an laughing stop and look at her. Teh owner say, "Oh, uh, helen, oh, i we sorry that you lose and uh, we..." but helen cut him off. She slowly raise her right and seperate her fingers. Now people are getting real serioused and starting to panic. "No, dont do it helen" maria scream. But helen don't listen. She turn around, put her fingers on teh ######. Me and qwerts have no gone to teh door to watch and helen look over at qwerts and he say to her (real soft) "I love you." and with those words she let out a cough that so loud you cant hear nothin, you could only see teh looks over terror on teh face of teh pringle family. Some bottles of hot sauce start esploding and Maria Pringle get blown against a wall. Some of them beans also esplode and they go into teh owners eyes and I can see him mouthing "i am blind! I blind." She finish and say "you can keep you burritos, from now on I only gonna eat chinesed."

she walk out of teh kitchen and back in the restarant and the people part for her like a red sea. They clappin and pattin her on her shoulders when she walkin by. The old man who went deaf say that teh second farts knock he hearing back and now it is even better than ever. The mayor is there too and he say "I declares today is helen biscuits day." Helen stop and say thank you to everyone and wave. They all wave back but with they fingers a little apart and curve as a sign of respect. Helen tap her heart and show how much that mean to her. She may not have won all them burritos but she won alotta friends and when it is all done and said, burritos go in you and come out but friends stay in you forever.

stu1ds

p and s when i was writin this i think i hear helen make a loud one ...lol hey huerta if you readin this dont tell jimmy **** that i put xlax in teh chuck wagons...lol
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
User avatar
The Donator
 
Posts: 6304
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:07 pm
Location: West Des Moines, IA

Postby Single L » Fri Aug 07, 2009 4:32 pm

Yeah I'm not reading all that ........ good luck selling this one :roll: :lol:
"I'm not impressed with aces of any kind. 95% of the time, they're just bad shots that got lucky and happened to hit the chains. Otherwise, they'd have sailed 50' past the hole." ~ Cydisc
User avatar
Single L
 
Posts: 5981
Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 11:02 pm
Location: Bushwhacking in DSM

Postby The Donator » Fri Aug 07, 2009 4:35 pm

porkchop wrote:Yeah I'm not reading all that ........ good luck selling this one :roll: :lol:

Your loss :)
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
User avatar
The Donator
 
Posts: 6304
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:07 pm
Location: West Des Moines, IA

Postby The Donator » Tue Oct 27, 2009 5:51 pm

Bump in case anyone has time to read these
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
User avatar
The Donator
 
Posts: 6304
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:07 pm
Location: West Des Moines, IA

Postby irban » Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:03 pm

When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.
~~~- ¥
User avatar
irban
 
Posts: 5233
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:31 am
Location: A State of Minds. (the idiot who thought this was clever is back, did you notice?)

Postby 10up » Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:20 pm

dude... something's Chuckin wrong with you.


or I'm missing something bigtime... :?
you're not the girl you think you are
User avatar
10up
 
Posts: 3051
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 11:55 am
Location: inside my pants

Postby RonRazz » Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:53 pm

How are these things funny? My head hurts from trying to read the first one. Is it suppose to be a ghetto blog or something?
RonRazz
 
Posts: 472
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2006 8:38 pm
Location: Davenport, IA

Postby Chase20460 » Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:06 pm

Thanks for wasting 5 minutes of my life with that stupid ass crap.
http://www.ironliondgs.com
"I dont come to bow, I come to blow"- Bob Marley

"Im in the Gooooooo!" - Francine Smith
User avatar
Chase20460
 
Posts: 5203
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 9:51 pm
Location: 2630 16th St. Moline IL

Postby MDR_3000 » Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:10 pm

10up wrote:dude... something's Chuckin wrong with you.


or I'm missing something bigtime... :?



I'm gonna go with option A
If she can't swim....she's bound to drizzown.
User avatar
MDR_3000
 
Posts: 2970
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2006 5:09 pm
Location: Straight outta NoCash.

Postby The Donator » Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:11 pm

Man you guys must be thick...its just some random guy that submitted these into a sports blog mailbag....

On that note, Drew tore Peter King apart on KSK yesterday - http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/10/peter-king%E2%80%99s-championship-cake-recipe.html
I speak my mind, cuz bitin' my tongue hurts
User avatar
The Donator
 
Posts: 6304
Joined: Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:07 pm
Location: West Des Moines, IA

Postby GDL17921 » Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:18 pm

and you wonder why the lesser qualified, under educated guy jumped you on the promotion ladder. :lol:
User avatar
GDL17921
 
Posts: 8553
Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:57 am
Location: on a rock

Postby irban » Wed Oct 28, 2009 2:21 pm

"Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all. "

That is pure platinum right there.
~~~- ¥
User avatar
irban
 
Posts: 5233
Joined: Wed Nov 01, 2006 10:31 am
Location: A State of Minds. (the idiot who thought this was clever is back, did you notice?)


Return to Sports

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest